Who You Date Is An Expression of Who You Are

Jeff is honestly not like anyone I have ever dated. Strangely enough, he's a lot like my dad in many ways. I'm so familiar with him. It's as if I've known him all my life. He makes me feel so happy. I want someone who can make me laugh incessantly. Life is way too short to be serious. And I want someone who is willing to go through life with me and laugh our way through it.

How Jeff makes me feel <3

It's actually taken me a long time to write this post, mostly because I've had a lot of trouble trying to eloquently articulate how he makes me feel. I think it also took a bit of an argument between us for me to really solidify my feelings for him. We had a bit of a fight when a guy friend of mine made some moves on me and the argument escalated to the point of us almost breaking up. I cried so much. I don't think I had cried that much in a long time. But during that brief period I was able to think a lot about what I wanted in a relationship and I realized that I don't want anybody else.

I was reading this amazing article written by Mark Manson called Fuck Yes or No and it made me think a lot about my previous relationships. There were a lot of moments where I had hesitated and had never really had a "Fuck Yes" attitude to hanging out with them. But when it comes to Jeff, I'm also super gooshy excited to hang out with him. "The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company." While I'm not entirely sure where he stands on this, I at least know that he does very much enjoy my company. He's just terrible at expressing his feelings. I'm just happy to be around him. We don't even have to be talking or snuggling. Just being around him makes me feel happy and content with life. Sure, I crave the verbal affirmation that he has feelings for me, but it's not

Another thing I started thinking about is applying the "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are" idea to dating. The guys you date can be an expression of who you are. While each guy that I have been dating has been better than the last, I think that I had this pattern of dating guys whose issues reflected my own. I started off being a girl who has serious mommy issues that affected my relationship with my parents. So naturally, I gravitated towards guys who would support my desire to run away from home, but slowly that rebellion faded as I worked through my issues. I had fun but I didn't laugh as much as I used to. Then I started dating someone who helped me respect my parents but I was neglecting myself. So I still was using them as an escape, but I wasn't ready to seriously date someone and think about the rest of my life with them. I had issues I still needed to work out and needed them to be able to help push me to work on me and get through school. So far, Jeff is able to do that for me. I believe Jeff is a reflection of my desire to be better. And I think that it is working. He makes me feel as if I can be anything.  

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Song of the Day: Halo - Branches (Beyonce Cover) 
"I know you're my saving grace...
You're everything I need and more.
Baby I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away."

Living in the now

  

So last Saturday I was so excited for life and everything and I was finally feeling like things were going to go well. I had an orientation for my new job, and a meeting with a church to be a part of their music ministry. I got all dressed up and I felt super cute! Even Jeff said I looked really good. I felt like I was finally getting in control of my life. I got on the freeway and was driving toward Westwood, and as I pulled into the library my care made an explodey noise and before I knew it there was steamy smoke coming from under the hood. Thankfully, I'm pretty knowledgeable about car stuff so I wasn't panicking, but I definitely was feeling a bit disappointed. I waited for it to cool down and saw that both the upper and lower hoses for the radiator had busted. And I got coolant all over my pumps. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to make it to the orientation. I sat in my car and had a moment where I felt a bit of despair. Here I was putting extreme effort to better myself and the radiator goes kerplunk.


However, I didn't stay that way for long. I ended up taking a moment to collect myself and realized that it is what it is. There's no use crying about it. I fixed my lipstick, and decided to look up to God and lift it up to him.

One of the biggest things that I've noticed is that my anxiety is often caused by things that I feel out of control about. I came to recognize this during my Friday recovery group. They are a lot of things in life that are completely out of our control, but there are ways that we can productively take that control back.

I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to make it to my orientation or to my meeting. Instead, I decided to look at the situation as it was, and not worry about anything outside of the current situation. I called AAA and made the best out of the situation. Sure, I didn't do what I had planned, but instead ended up having a great conversation with the tow truck guy and got to spend the rest of the day with my doggie. It also turns out the repair is just a matter of getting the right part, so that's a relief for me and my wallet. So, I'm looking on the bright side.

I've worked so hard this semester. I'm not going to let some roadblocks get in the way of my academic success. I'm medicated and motivated! Woooohoooo!
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Song of the Day: In My Mind - Amanda Palmer
"...I'm living in the moment 
And it's funny how I imagined 
That I could win this, win this fight 
But maybe it isn't all that funny 
That I've been fighting all my life 
But maybe I have to think it's funny 
If I wanna live before I die 
And maybe it's funniest of all 
To think I'll die before I actually see 
That I am exactly the person that I want to be."

New Goals and YAAY Meds!

I actually woke up today feeling as if I didn't want to go back to bed. Sure, I snoozed in for a bit because it was a bit chilly, but I actually feel good today. For me, feeling sleeping is a sign of depression. The way I am "normally" is when I wake up early, get my starbs, and seize the day. I'm usually the annoying "HI EVERYONE GOOD MORNING!" But as of lately my dog has sort of taken on that role.

Even though taking care of my dog has been a lot of work (and has dug a fairly deep hole in my wallet) she has brought me infinite amounts of happiness. In a lot of ways, she helps me see the sovereignty of God in my life. I think she is part of the reason why I haven't completely gone overboard. I mean, who would take care of her? She would miss me terribly. I'd imagine it'd be something like this husky crying. Having her around gives me a sense of purpose and humbles me. I know I've fought with my roomies and other people about her, but deep down she has been my little pocket full of sunshine.

I'm not sure why I haven't been compliant with my medication. I think there's this part of me that is against the idea of depending on a medication to help me function. But then again, as I've talked to Dr. Kinnes about, people depend on medication everywhere. God blessed the scientists who developed these drugs. To not take these meds would almost be a negation of the brilliant minds of God's wonderful creation.

My Goobers, Harley and Jeff

With that in mind, I also think I have the right support. I have my two goobers to keep me laughing and to help brighten my day. That's the thing about me, if you can get me to laugh then I can slowly get out of my funk. Both Harley and Jeff manage to find new and innovative ways to do so. Just the faces they make, or the weird noises that come out of their bodies. I love them both :)

I plan to wake up early and go to the gym every day. That will help me get a good start for each day. That involves giving myself a bed time and I hate that idea, but keep a cycle will help. Now it's just a matter of getting myself back on track. I'm gonna spend today catching up on homework, drinking my starbs, and going to my women's therapy group.

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Song of the Day: Pocket Full of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield
"I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine 
I've got a love and I know that it's all mine!"

HTNGAF Challenge #1: Project Mayhem

I love reddit, especially the subreddit called HowToNotGiveAFuck. And so, I've decided to write down the challenges I'm participating in. This week, I'm gonna work on "Project Mayhem." It's not going to be as extreme as Fight Club, of course. But the gist of it is that "every time [I] feel fear discourage [me] from doing something, [I] say fuck it, and do it." I can definitely say that fear is one of the biggest deterrents I have in my life at the moment. My anxiety sometimes gets so bad that it prevents me from doing things. Sometimes that involves school for me.

Right now, there's a professor who is an extreme source of stress and anxiety for me and it makes me feel really scared to go in class. The environment feels hostile, especially considering how I feel that he has been treating my situation. If anything, it feels as if he lacks compassion and is treating me as if I'm an employee instead of a student. Plus, he doesn't even know my name.

"Jenna,

You cannot deny I've been more that patient and understanding.  However, you've missed midterm 1, and now you'll be missing midterm 2.  As I told you the last time we met, it is my policy to allow only 1 make-up exam [...] I suggest you withdraw from the class, on or before 11/14/14.  Otherwise, you'll receive an "F" for this class." 

If it was simply a matter of him stating the policy, I would be totally fine and would understand the situation. However, the manner in which he replied felt absolutely threatening. As a professor, your ultimate goal is to help seek out the success of your students. You want to help them succeed! It has been an absolutely rough semester for me and I feel as if I'm getting back on track. However, I feel as if I've been left with no options. Instead of letting myself get defeated, I've decided that my best option is to contact the school and talk to the student advocate in order to see how to proceed. I don't believe that this professor should be allowed to continue this kind of behavior toward students, especially since this is his first year teaching. I may be the first, but I know that I won't be the last.

Here's to conquering one of my biggest fears! 

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Song of the Day: Firework - Katy Perry 
"Do you know that there's still a chance for you 
'Cause there's a spark in you? 
 You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine...
 You don't have to feel like a wasted space 
You're original, cannot be replaced."

Jonah and the Whale

I had a pretty serious mental breakdown the other night. I was not myself.

I remembered the story of Jonah and the whale. Jonah was cast into the sea as the cause of the "mighty tempest in the sea." The men who threw Jonah into the sea expected him to die. Instead, he was swallowed by a great fish and remained in its belly for three days and three nights. As a God-fearing man, Jonah felt so far removed from God. He prayed and prayed to be saved. But it is only when his "soul fainted within [him he] remembered the LORD."

"They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy." 

I am an incredibly prideful and stubborn person. And a lot of times this means I make an idol of myself. And in a strange fucked up way, I have made an idol of my depression. I've seen it as a force that is more powerful than God. I've allowed myself to believe that there is no hope for me and that I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. I'm stuck as Jonah before he let down his pride and recognized the sovereignty of God. That's why I really like the song "Oceans." I know its supposed to be reminiscent of Peter being called to walk to Christ on the water. However, I think it's just as compatible with Jonah. I know that God has such crazy amazing plans for me. I mean, he hasn't allowed me to kill myself, so I must be reserved for some greater purpose. That idea is honestly very intimidating because I don't really think much of myself. Regardless, I definitely feel as if I'm been sinking and drowning. However, the idea that God's grace "abounds in deepest waters" is an incredible comfort to me. It's what happened to Jonah. In order for him to experience God's love and grace, he needed to be stripped of all his pride. I find great comfort in knowing that I am God's child and he is my father. I derive a great sense of belonging from this. And I think it's that belonging that gives me a sense of greater purpose in my life, as if I was meant to live for something more. Today, I choose to recognize God's sovereignty in my life and understand that things are all in his hands.
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Song of the Day: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong United
"You call me out upon the waters...
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am yours, and you are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters...
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."

I envy the sun

I think one of my biggest issues is that I don't know how to be happy. I'm currently in an absolutely amazing relationship with someone. Even after I have had my paranoia of infidelity or ulterior motives quelled, I find myself making them.


I set people up for failure because I think I don't know any other way. I keep saying that I desire to be happy, yet I keep imposing these obstacles.
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Song of the Day: Touch Me - Spring Awakening
"Where I go, when I go there, 
No more weeping anymore -
Only in and out your lips,
The broken wishes, washing with them, to shore...
Touch me - all silent
Tell me, please, all is forgiven."

I feel like a burden

When I was driving to school, I had my spotify playlist on shuffle and the song "Sunny Day" by Zug Izland came on. I found myself passionately belting out the lyrics, my eyes practically on the verge of crying. I have trouble talking about my feelings because I don't want others to carry my burden.
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Song of the Day: Zug Izland - Sunny Day

"I'll stand far away! 
I wouldn't wanna dull your sunny day. 
It's obviously my fault why can't I?
And figure out what's wrong with me...
sometimes I just wish I wasn't me"

Introduction

Ever since my xanga days, I have been hesitant about making a legitimate blog with which I would extrapolate my deepest thoughts. But since I'm no longer using abbreviations and alternating uppercase and lowercase letters, I think I'm better equipped to express myself with a much more sophisticated prose.

I've been struggling with depression since junior high. And it honestly hasn't gotten any easier. Some days are better than others, but it has definitely been a rollercoaster. I guess I wasn't supposed to know what my diagnosis was, but when I was having my daily visit with the psychiatrist I peeked over into his files and saw the code 296.34. Later on when I had been discharged from the mental institution, I looked up the code.

I have severe major depressive disorder (MDD) with psychotic features.

At this point in my life, I am in my fifth year of college. It has been two years since I was last hospitalized. I take lexapro every day, and if things get rough I have lamictal to help. Or if I can't sleep I have a sleep med. I've been very compliant with my meds, but it really hasn't done much to help me. It's honestly just taken the edge off so I'm not on the verge of tears every day. I feel so disconnected from people and it takes so much effort and courage from me just to reach out. So, in a strange way, this blog is my way of reaching out and learning how to talk about how I'm feeling. I truly and honestly want to be better. I want to be, at least what I consider to be, normal. Here goes nothing.

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Song of the Day: Twiztid - Screaming Out

"Still dreaming, praying with both clenched fists
That the hate will be extracted and replaced with self forgiveness"