Introduction

Ever since my xanga days, I have been hesitant about making a legitimate blog with which I would extrapolate my deepest thoughts. But since I'm no longer using abbreviations and alternating uppercase and lowercase letters, I think I'm better equipped to express myself with a much more sophisticated prose.

I've been struggling with depression since junior high. And it honestly hasn't gotten any easier. Some days are better than others, but it has definitely been a rollercoaster. I guess I wasn't supposed to know what my diagnosis was, but when I was having my daily visit with the psychiatrist I peeked over into his files and saw the code 296.34. Later on when I had been discharged from the mental institution, I looked up the code.

I have severe major depressive disorder (MDD) with psychotic features.

At this point in my life, I am in my fifth year of college. It has been two years since I was last hospitalized. I take lexapro every day, and if things get rough I have lamictal to help. Or if I can't sleep I have a sleep med. I've been very compliant with my meds, but it really hasn't done much to help me. It's honestly just taken the edge off so I'm not on the verge of tears every day. I feel so disconnected from people and it takes so much effort and courage from me just to reach out. So, in a strange way, this blog is my way of reaching out and learning how to talk about how I'm feeling. I truly and honestly want to be better. I want to be, at least what I consider to be, normal. Here goes nothing.

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Song of the Day: Twiztid - Screaming Out

"Still dreaming, praying with both clenched fists
That the hate will be extracted and replaced with self forgiveness"