Jonah and the Whale

I had a pretty serious mental breakdown the other night. I was not myself.

I remembered the story of Jonah and the whale. Jonah was cast into the sea as the cause of the "mighty tempest in the sea." The men who threw Jonah into the sea expected him to die. Instead, he was swallowed by a great fish and remained in its belly for three days and three nights. As a God-fearing man, Jonah felt so far removed from God. He prayed and prayed to be saved. But it is only when his "soul fainted within [him he] remembered the LORD."

"They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy." 

I am an incredibly prideful and stubborn person. And a lot of times this means I make an idol of myself. And in a strange fucked up way, I have made an idol of my depression. I've seen it as a force that is more powerful than God. I've allowed myself to believe that there is no hope for me and that I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. I'm stuck as Jonah before he let down his pride and recognized the sovereignty of God. That's why I really like the song "Oceans." I know its supposed to be reminiscent of Peter being called to walk to Christ on the water. However, I think it's just as compatible with Jonah. I know that God has such crazy amazing plans for me. I mean, he hasn't allowed me to kill myself, so I must be reserved for some greater purpose. That idea is honestly very intimidating because I don't really think much of myself. Regardless, I definitely feel as if I'm been sinking and drowning. However, the idea that God's grace "abounds in deepest waters" is an incredible comfort to me. It's what happened to Jonah. In order for him to experience God's love and grace, he needed to be stripped of all his pride. I find great comfort in knowing that I am God's child and he is my father. I derive a great sense of belonging from this. And I think it's that belonging that gives me a sense of greater purpose in my life, as if I was meant to live for something more. Today, I choose to recognize God's sovereignty in my life and understand that things are all in his hands.
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Song of the Day: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong United
"You call me out upon the waters...
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am yours, and you are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters...
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."

I envy the sun

I think one of my biggest issues is that I don't know how to be happy. I'm currently in an absolutely amazing relationship with someone. Even after I have had my paranoia of infidelity or ulterior motives quelled, I find myself making them.


I set people up for failure because I think I don't know any other way. I keep saying that I desire to be happy, yet I keep imposing these obstacles.
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Song of the Day: Touch Me - Spring Awakening
"Where I go, when I go there, 
No more weeping anymore -
Only in and out your lips,
The broken wishes, washing with them, to shore...
Touch me - all silent
Tell me, please, all is forgiven."

I feel like a burden

When I was driving to school, I had my spotify playlist on shuffle and the song "Sunny Day" by Zug Izland came on. I found myself passionately belting out the lyrics, my eyes practically on the verge of crying. I have trouble talking about my feelings because I don't want others to carry my burden.
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Song of the Day: Zug Izland - Sunny Day

"I'll stand far away! 
I wouldn't wanna dull your sunny day. 
It's obviously my fault why can't I?
And figure out what's wrong with me...
sometimes I just wish I wasn't me"

Introduction

Ever since my xanga days, I have been hesitant about making a legitimate blog with which I would extrapolate my deepest thoughts. But since I'm no longer using abbreviations and alternating uppercase and lowercase letters, I think I'm better equipped to express myself with a much more sophisticated prose.

I've been struggling with depression since junior high. And it honestly hasn't gotten any easier. Some days are better than others, but it has definitely been a rollercoaster. I guess I wasn't supposed to know what my diagnosis was, but when I was having my daily visit with the psychiatrist I peeked over into his files and saw the code 296.34. Later on when I had been discharged from the mental institution, I looked up the code.

I have severe major depressive disorder (MDD) with psychotic features.

At this point in my life, I am in my fifth year of college. It has been two years since I was last hospitalized. I take lexapro every day, and if things get rough I have lamictal to help. Or if I can't sleep I have a sleep med. I've been very compliant with my meds, but it really hasn't done much to help me. It's honestly just taken the edge off so I'm not on the verge of tears every day. I feel so disconnected from people and it takes so much effort and courage from me just to reach out. So, in a strange way, this blog is my way of reaching out and learning how to talk about how I'm feeling. I truly and honestly want to be better. I want to be, at least what I consider to be, normal. Here goes nothing.

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Song of the Day: Twiztid - Screaming Out

"Still dreaming, praying with both clenched fists
That the hate will be extracted and replaced with self forgiveness"